Confession of a proverbial fuck up

I don’t know what people like to hear in this world of parenthood, in life even!? It’s very easy to only share the nice parts and portray a life of perfection. Or stray into the facetious take on misery as you rant about sleepless nights and lack of peeing by yourself. (Something I feel guiltily ashamed to say I’ve never needed to complain about!) Personally, unless you are extremely blinkered or living in a cloud of doom then your life will be neither one or the other but more a balance in between.
“Where is this leading?” I hear you yell at your screen. It’s leading to a revelation. Despite my posts being more focused on the fun and beautiful side of being a new mummy, it’s time to come clean and admit that

“I too am as fucked up as the rest of them”

I like to be honest with people but in reality I do like to live on a wispy cloud of imaginary fairytales. As a result I tend to share more lighthearted details of my life. Yes there’s the occasional whine of “woe is me, this health condition and that ailment is bothering me again”. Blimey when I look at my time hop feed it makes me realise just how many years I’ve been moaning about bad backs, migraines, vertigo, gammy toenails, hangovers, viruses and all the rest of it. And it’s boring to be perfectly honest but I’m pretty sure that people like to hear that sometimes people feel as shit as they do. I know it comforts me when I realise that there are people worse off or in the same boat as me, even if the majority of the time it’s no consolation.

I’ve been secretly fighting my own mental battle, brought about I believe by struggling to adjust to life as not only a new mum but a stay at home mum. Whilst I am wholeheartedly happy to count my blessings and commit my life to my son, I know society feels you should do this with a huge sense of gratitude and no complaints. After all, until you try it, it’s easy being a mum isn’t it!? Just sitting on ya bum all day watching a child play. How hard is it!
Recently though, I finally admitted defeat and went to the doctors and confessed that I too am as fucked up as the rest of them. Something I didn’t want to admit.

I AM fucked up. I DIDN’T fuck up!

I’m a great mum and I know it! But it’s no comfort when there’s a strange dark cloud looming over you. I’m a care bear. I live on a beautiful white cloud and always smile, I see positive in everything. So this dark cloud took me completely by surprise and as much as I pretended it wasn’t there it just got heavier and heavier until I couldn’t even feel my white cloud anymore. I had been bounced off of it and was now travelling on this dark grey cloud into a place I’d never been and didn’t want to be in. Fully conscious of this happening but unable to stop it I felt trapped and it upset me to feel a way that I knew I didn’t want to.

The cause? I have an inkling. When I finally plucked up the courage to confide my feelings in my mum and sisters, they were surprised I hadn’t had a melt down sooner. Hormones, too many ailments, my entire life, world and persona changing, loosing loved ones, hubby having his own fucked up experience, it all contributed.
I’ve still told very few people how I felt. The doctor trialled me on some ‘prozac’ but after just over two weeks the nausea (a common side effect) was becoming too much. Despite the fact I was happy it had helped me to lose weight, I love food and didn’t like having no enthusiasm for mealtimes and a complete lack of appetite. When I started to have negative thoughts again I decided they wasn’t the right medication for me and the doctor agreed. I’m currently managing myself and the doctor is reviewing me every three weeks. I have recently started some new medication for migraines and migraine associated vertigo that I suffer with. This alone, having improved my health, has immensely improved my mood and I’m feeling a lot happier and content.

My reason, as scared as I am, for sharing this is that I felt so much like I shouldn’t be complaining. There are so many people out there struggling with terrifically worse problems than mine. I have a comfortable roof over my head, a happy marriage and a wonderful and easy going son, as well as a loving and supportive family of my own and hubby’s. But none of this could prevent how I felt and how motherhood had made me feel. I tried to deal with it myself for over 19 months. Confining in no one until recent months when I told Bob and some close friends. With their encouragement I sought help but it was difficult. Despite having worked in a mental health hospital pharmacy service for over 8 years, where I encountered many situations and conditions that people suffered with. None of this stopped me from thinking that if I admitted to a health professional how I felt, that my child would be removed from me. This so wasn’t the case (unless obviously you are in the situation where you feel you may harm your child) I wasn’t. My local GP and neurology consultant were both simply concerned for my happiness and wellbeing and to help me improve my mood and energy levels in order to maintain a happy lifestyle and be a good mum.

So what I’m saying to you is, whether you are a man or a woman, parenthood is a big change to your life and it can leave you feeling so many different emotions. Many of which you may have never experienced. If you are struggling in any way, no matter how little or much, then just ask for help. Whether it’s someone doing some wishing for you. Or just being there to chat to. Giving you an hour of time to yourself. Or offering their constructive (not judgemental) advice and support. There are people out there to help you. Whether it’s your own family, friends, medical professional, another parent you’ve met at a group or just chatting to people online. There is always help. Never feel alone. Never struggle.

Strength and hugs.

Until next time…….

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