A step into the unknown

I’ve always been a lover of surprises, good ones that is. But with surprises comes the  unknown and that’s something I can’t handle. A stickler for lists and organising,  I love to know what’s coming next and to be able to plan and prepare for things. I often take on more than I can handle however, and I usually end up struggling and having a last minute scramble to get everything completed, calling on others for assistance. Coupled with this I would describe myself as pretty spoilt at times. As laid back as I am, I’m pretty used to getting my own way or at least a compromised version of what I originally wanted. This all amounts to me requiring a certain degree of control, which completely contradicts the side of my personality which craves surprises. You still with me? I know rambling is a speciality I inherited from my father. 

So bearing this all in mind it is no wonder that I struggle with the structure of life. As predictable as it can be, consequences of our actions blah blah blah, no one really knows what is coming next from day to day or even minute by minute. And when it’s all over, there’s still no certainty about what happens next. Well at least not in my belief system there isn’t. I very often wish that someone had handed me a book when I was born, telling me the story of my life so I could flick to whatever chapter I was feeling inquisitive about and satisfy my curiosity. At the same time, I think this is something that would be wholly dangerous. I mean if chapter 14 told you that you life was to end at a certain age, would this lead you to live your life differently? More recklessly? In which case thereby potentially ending your life sooner. Or is our fate determined regardless of our actions? All very deep and some people may say I need religion to answer my questions but let me tell you that I am so good at picking things to pieces that religion is the last thing I need to get involved in. 

I have no idea if I am the only one that thinks this way or if in fact these are regular thoughts that cross all of our minds. As if pondering this never ending list of questions for my own life wasn’t enough, I now do it for son! Observing his ever changing character and the way he behaves leads me to wonder what kind of a person he will grow to be. Will he be kind, thoughtful, a pushover even, strong willed, mean, disrespectful? I believe that children to a degree are a product of what you put into them. There are many traits in George that I can see we have instilled in him these first 19 months of his life. Then there are the traits that I have no idea where he gained them from. The traits that I believe are his own natual personality and therefore traits that will determine his destiny regardless of what I do. 

As we sit watching television programs, I have always insisted, even when George appeared too young to be taking it in, that we are careful what we watch. I didn’t want him being subjected to the latest gangster film just in case in years to come he suddenly becomes the next Essex hard man. And of course it will all be my fault 😜 

Until next time……..


2 thoughts on “A step into the unknown”

  1. Cassie – this is fantastic! You encapsulate perfectly how I feel too a lot of the time! So similar! You write so eloquently and raise philosophical questions that I think we all ponder at times. You are a fabulous Mummy and George is an amazing little boy so try to relax in the knowledge you are definitely doing a grand job 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

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